Kingdom Hearts: The Quest for the Holy Grail
by i AM the Random Idiot
Summary: King Mickey is on a quest—to find the Holy Grail! Also featuring Riku, Sora, Donald, Goofy, the Riku Replica, and Sir NotAppearingInThisFanfiction. Spoof of all things Monty Python.
1. Prologue: Boredom and a Penguin

**Kingdom Hearts: The Quest for the Holy Grail**

King Mickey is on a quest—to find the Holy Grail! Also featuring Riku, Sora, Donald, Goofy, the Riku Replica, and Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Fanfiction. Spoof of all things Monty Python.

A/N: I had a plot bunny bite me, and I couldn't get rid of it. This fanfiction is dedicated to Sam Moga (Maglenan Songbird) for introducing me to Monty Python. Without her...well, you wouldn't have this piece of insanity to read, so be grateful! It's also dedicated to Jade Rhade, who is probably going to kill me. Ah, well.

Disclaimer: I don't own Mickey, Donald, Goofy, Sora, Riku (sob!), or any ideas that belong to Monty Python, bless them. I also don't own Spam. I do own a sharp stick, though, so bring on the lawyers! (brandishing stick) Jade: "She's gonna die..."

**Prologue: Boredom and a Penguin**

If Riku had to pick two words to describe interstellar space, he'd have picked "dark" and "boring". Dark and boring as hell. There was absolutely nothing to do that he hadn't already done: play cards with Sora, spar with Sora until something vital to the workings of a ship was broken, draw a mustache on Sora's face with permanent marker while he slept, bake cookies, answer fan-mail, write depressing and brooding poetry about the darkness inside his soul, make origami swans, or even attempt suicide _several times_. And now, he was bored.

All of a sudden, a bloodcurdling, hair-raising, gut-wrenching shriek sounded through the ship. The first thing that shot through Riku's boredom-fogged mind was, "SWEET! VIOLENCE!" The second was, "Crud, Sora might beat me to it!" The third was, "Oh, yeah, that might be Sora. DAMN!"

Riku came barreling into the main cabin, yelling, "Don't panic, I'm—" Then he stopped. Sora was lounging around on the couch eating Spam out of an enormous can and listening to the radio. There was no violence in sight.

"...And that concludes our presentation of 'The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots,'" the radio was broadcasting. "And now, Radio 4 will explode."

Sora shrieked in a rather unmanly way, and covered his head with the almost-empty Spam can as the radio ignited and blew into tiny hot fragments. After shielding himself from the explosion, Riku noted that Sora still had the marker mustache that Riku had drawn on his face.

Sora saw him and said, "Oh, hey Riku. How's it going?"

"If we spend one more day crammed into this tiny ship, people will start accusing us of being gay." Riku shuddered at the idea. "Remind me again what we're doing?"

"King Mickey sent us a letter with coordinates to a world that he is on. He's trying to find an important object called the 'Holy Grail' that could do great good—or great evil if it fell into the hands of the Heartless. We're supposed to meet him there. You make me tell you every twenty minutes, Riku. Chill out," Sora said, and then took a huge bite of Spam. "As for your other worry—eew—we'll be there in a few hours."

"Thank God," Riku said, and sat down on another couch. A few seconds went by. "Sora," he said slowly, "why is there a penguin on the television?"

Sora turned to look. On top of the communications screen (that also received DirectTV), there was indeed a penguin. Sora shrugged and took another big bite of Spam. "Maybe it came from next door."

Riku whirled around to stare incredulously at him. "Penguins don't come from next door! They come from the Antarctic! And anyway..." He gestured out the "windows" to the star-speckled blackness outside the ship, "We're in the _middle_ of _space!_"

"Maybe it came from that world." Sora pointed out a window on the port side to a looming planetary mass.

"Yeah, sure, it just _flew_ into the sky, and—WE'RE THERE!" Riku rushed to the viewport to see, nearly smacking his head. His cabin fever really hadn't been treating him well. He needed to get off that ship.

"We're on autopilot, dude," Sora said lazily, enjoying watching Riku hyperventilate and paw at the window. "Be a little while to land. Spam?" he asked, offering the last few bites left in the can. Riku shook his head.

"I don't like Spam."

Sora gasped. "You...don't...like...Spam?"

"For the forty-second time this trip: _no, I do not like Spam_!" Riku snapped.

"No?" Sora said, just to make the vein in Riku's forehead do that funny pulse thing. "Ah, well, at least I can catch the end of Full Metal Alchemist..." He clicked the TV on, ignoring the penguin.

"Well, it's 3:59 pm, Antarctic Standard Time," a man was saying. "And now, the penguin on top of your television will explode."

It did so. Riku ducked, but was too late to avoid being peppered with burning fragments. Sora laughed at him. "Ha, that was _cool_!" Riku reemerged, plucking smoldering embers from the ends of his long silver hair, and asked the smart question.

"How'd he know that was going to happen?"

The man on screen shrugged. "It was an educated guess."

XxXxX

Disney Pictures LTD in association with Square Enix presents...

**Kingdom Hearts: The Quest for the Holy Grail**

_(Kingdøm Hearts: Der Kwiest vor den Hølie Gräilen)_

With: Jade Rhade and GreenEggsandSam

_(Wik)_

Also appearing: The cast of Kingdom Hearts II

_(Alsø wik)_

Also also appearing: numerous sketches and the Holy Grail screenplay copyright Monty Python 1974

_(Alsø also wik)_

iAtRI wishes it known that she does not own anything in this fanfiction that may be copyrighted or otherwise claimed. She is making no money and does not wish to be sued.

_(Wi not trei a høliday in Sweden this yër?)_

With special thanks to Monty Python, Disney, Square Enix, and Tetsyo Nomura (sp?)

_(See the løveli lakes, and mani interesting furri animals, especialli the majestïk møøse)_

**We apologize for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked.**

_(A møøse once bit my sister...)_

**We apologize again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the just-sacked people have been sacked.**

_(No, realli! She was Karving her initials on the møøse with the sharpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush given her by Svenge—her brother-in-law and star of many Norwegian møvies: "The Høt Hands of an Oslo Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge Mølars of Horst Nordfink"...)_

**The directors of the firm hired to continue the credits after the other people had been sacked wish it to be known that they have just been sacked.**

**The credits have been completed in an entirely different style and at the last minute.**

_Executive Producer: Ralph the Wonder Llama_

_Producer: Kevin McSorbo_

_Assisted by: Forty Specially Trained Ecuadorian Mountain Llamas_

_Directed by: Majoram Kiliith and I AM the Random Idiot_

A/N: Review! And if you know who Kevin McSorbo and Majoram Kiliith are, I'll give you a cookie!


	2. The Tale of King Mickey

**Kingdom Hearts: The Quest for the Holy Grail**

King Mickey is on a quest—to find the Holy Grail! Also featuring Riku, Sora, Donald, Goofy, the Riku Replica, and Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Fanfiction. Spoof of all things Monty Python.

A/N: Okay, first, thanks for all the positive feedback! I got quite a few reviews with this (although I'm not so sure about the marriage proposal, to which I must respectfully decline, seeing as I am a girl, and I belong to my sexy Riku only), and I hope to get a lot more! And then I shall RULE! Muahahahaa... Second, I apologize for spelling Tetsuya Nomura's name wrong. (cowers) Please don't kill me! I am but a loyal fan!

Disclaimer: Here's a good indicator: If you recognize it, I don't own it.

**Chapter 1:** **The Tale of King Mickey**

A foggy mist hung over the ground. It was the hour before dawn, and a pinkish glow along the skyline cast just enough light to see by.

Faintly, one could hear the clip-clopping sound of hoofbeats ringing through the forest. The sound began to get louder as its source drew closer. Finally, a pair of figures "rode" through the clearing and on their way. One was a dog carrying a load upon its back, and the other was a mouse with large ears banging two halves of a coconut shell together to make the hooves noise.

The odd couple rode on, and then stopped in front of a largish castle. The silhouette of a man appeared on the ramparts. "Halt! Who goes there?"

The mouse spoke. "It is I, Mickey Mouse, son of Walt Disney, hailing from Disney Castle (king thereof), defeater of the Heartless, and sovereign of all worlds! I wish to speak with your lord and master!"

There was a pause, then the man yelled, "Pull the other one!"

Mickey insisted, "I am! ...And this is my trusty servant Pluto. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Disney Castle."

"What? Ridden on a horse?" the man asked scornfully.

"Yes."

"You're using coconuts!" the man accused.

"So?" Mickey snapped, his patience wearing thin. "We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia—"

"Where'd you get the coconuts?" the man interrupted.

Pluto barked in exasperation. Mickey responded, "Through...by...we found them."

"In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, this is a temperate zone."

"The common Shadow may roam south with the sun, or the Dusk or Berserker seek warmer climes in winter," Mickey pointed out, "yet these are not strangers to our land."

There was a stunned pause. "Are you suggesting that coconuts _migrate_?"

"Not at all! They could be carried."

"What? A _Shadow_ carrying a _coconut_?"

"Well, it could grip it by the husk..."

The man assumed a lecturing, condescending tone. "Look, it's not a question of where he _grips_ it; it's a simple matter of weight ratios. A five-ounce Shadow could not carry a one-pound coconut."

Before the king could reply, another man loomed up on the ramparts. "It could be carried by a _Neo_Shadow..."

"Oh, true, a _Neo_Shadow, no doubt there..." the first man agreed. "But not a _common_ Shadow, that's my point..."

King Mickey opened his mouth to ask to see their master _one more time_, but the first man beat him to it. "Though wait! NeoShadows are non-migratory!"

"Oh, yeah..." the second man conceded. At that point, Mickey gave up and signaled to Pluto to keep going. They rode off as the first man concluded triumphantly, "So he couldn't have brought one back anyway..."

XxXxX

"Bring out your dead!" Hayner called, following the body-strewn cart that Pence pulled through the narrow streets of the plague-ridden village. He banged a pot to signal their passage and get the bystanders' attention, and then called again, "Bring out your dead!" Every day, more people were claimed by the Black Plague—someone had to carry the bodies away. Though, boy, what he'd do to earn money to go to the beach these days...

"Alright there, Pence?" Hayner called ahead. Pence just kind of grunted, and strained harder to pull the cart through a puddle. _It'll do him good to lose a bit of weight anyway..._ Hayner thought, and banged the pot again. "Bring out your dead!"

Seifer came out and stopped the cart. "Here, I've got someone."

"That'll be nine munny," Hayner said, holding his hand out. The body that Seifer had slung across his back protested, "I'm not dead, y'know?" It was Rai.

Hayner stopped. "What?"

Seifer jumped in quickly. "Nothing. Here's the munny."

"I'm not dead, y'know?" Rai protested.

"He says he isn't dead," Hayner pointed out unnecessarily.

"Yes, he is," Seifer corrected, a manic glint in his eye.

"I'm _not_, y'know?"

"I can't take him if he isn't dead; it's against regulations," Hayner sighed, visions of sunblock and pretzels by the sand vanishing in his mind's eye. Seifer shifted uneasily.

"Well, he's very ill..."

"I'm getting better, y'know?"

"...could you maybe wait a few more minutes?" Seifer begged. "It won't be long..."

"Look, Seifer, I gotta be on my way, the cat lady lost nine today," Hayner said. "Why don't you wait until we come around again Thursday?"

"I think I'll go for a walk, y'know?" Rai pleaded.

"You're not fooling anyone," Seifer told him sternly. He turned to Hayner again. "Is there anything you can do?"

Hayner turned and glanced up and down the street. Seifer did the same on his side. Quickly, Hayner whipped out a Struggle club and smacked Rai across the back of his head. _WHAM!_

"Thanks," Seifer said, dumping Rai's limp body onto the cart and handing Hayner the munny. Suddenly, there was a hush across the street as a mouse and a dog jogged through, banging a pair of coconut shells together. Hayner and Seifer watched them go. "Who was that?" Seifer asked.

Hayner shrugged. "I don't know, must be a king."

"Why?"

"He hasn't got crap all over him."

XxXxX

King Mickey and Pluto boldly rode through the fields, when Mickey noticed a castle on the horizon. Having learned his lesson about asking directly, he approached a nearby peasant from behind to ask who lived there. "Old woman!" he called.

The peasant turned. "Man," he corrected. He had shoulder-length brown hair, intense dark brown eyes, and a scar across his brow. He was hauling a cart full of mud behind him one-handed.

"Man. I'm sorry," Mickey amended. "Old man, what sort of knight lives in that castle?"

"I'm only twenty-seven," the man pointed out. "I'm not _old_."

"Well," Mickey was getting exasperated, "I can't just call you, 'Man,' now, can I?"

"You could call me 'Leon,'" the man suggested indignantly.

"I didn't know that was your name."

"Didn't bother to find out, did you?" Leon snapped. "What_ I_ object to is that you automatically treat me as an inferior."

Mickey was feeling rather put upon. "Well...I _am_ King."

"_Oh_, very nice. King, eh?" Leon was bitterly sarcastic. "I suppose you've got a palace and fine clothes and courtiers and plenty of food. And how'd you get that? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialistic dogma, which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's _ever_ going to be any progress..."

"Leon!" A striking young woman with black hair and carrying a pair of ninja stars popped up out of nowhere. "There's some _shweet_ filth down here! ...Oh, hello."

"Hello," Mickey said. "I'm King Mickey. Can you tell me who lives in that castle over there?"

"King?" Yuffie asked, ignoring his question. "I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective..."

"You're fooling yourself," Leon told her. "We're living in a dictatorship, a self-perpetuating autocracy—"

"Look, can you just tell me who lives in that castle?" Mickey demanded.

Yuffie looked mildly affronted. "Shut up, you stupid rodent! I didn't vote for you!"

"You don't vote for kings!"

"Well, how'd you become king, then?"

Mickey's eyes misted over slightly. "Walt Disney himself, through his amazing powers of character creation, sketched me out on a piece of paper, and I was born. Soon after, I was to be forever endeared in the eyes of small children everywhere for all eternity...that is why I am your king."

Leon snorted. "Look, random guys doodling farm animals in notebooks is no basis for a system of government..."

"_Hey!_" Mickey's Keyblade appeared in his hand. No one—**_NO ONE_**—insults Walt Disney!

"I mean, if I declared myself Maharaja just because some cartoonist made a manga out of me, they'd put me away..."

Mickey jumped on his head and started going medieval with the Keyblade. Yuffie fell over in the mud laughing. Leon yelped, and then started screaming to the other peasants. "Now _there's_ the violence inherent in the system! Come see the violence inherent in the system! Come see! Help, help! I'm being repressed!"

Mickey, in his berserk rage, saw all the other peasants swarming to see, and came to his senses. "Bloody serf!" he snapped, throwing Leon to the ground and running for it, not bothering to use the coconuts.

"Oooh, dead giveaway!" Leon shouted at his retreating back. To the other peasants, he added, "Did you see him repressing me, then? That's what I've been on about..."

A/N: Review! Next chapter: the sexy and adorable Riku clone gets a name! (huggles Riku Replica plushie)


	3. Just a Flesh Wound

**Kingdom Hearts: The Quest for the Holy Grail**

King Mickey is on a quest—to find the Holy Grail! Also featuring Riku, Sora, Donald, Goofy, the Riku Replica, and Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Fanfiction. Spoof of all things Monty Python.

A/N: This is one of my favorite chapters so far! Sorry for the crappy updating—I type very slowly. Sephiroth makes his long-awaited appearance in this chapter, and so does a very special guest!

Disclaimer: Here's a good indicator: If you recognize it, I don't own it.

**Chapter 2:** **Just a Flesh Wound**

After getting out of the ship, Sora had to wait a few minutes for Riku to finish his little get-down-on-his-knees-and-kiss-the-blessed-earth ritual. "Oh, man," Riku finally breathed. "I hate space."

"Why?" Sora asked. Before Riku could open his mouth to reply, Sora interrupted, "No, wait, I feel like guessing. Umm..." He thought for a moment. "Because the infinite blackness stretching among the insufficient specks of starlight, reaching away to eternity, serves as a powerful and painful reminder of the weight of darkness that once held sway over your soul, and still leaves a hollow void inside you that remains an acute burden even today?"

Riku pondered that for a moment. "Maybe. Mostly, though...it's just boring."

Sora shrugged. "Eat some Spam, then," he suggested.

Riku made a face. "For the _last_ time, _I don't like Spam!"_

"Spam spam spam spam Spam spam spam spam..." Sora intoned, just for the fun of ticking Riku off. "Wonderful Spam, beautiful Spam..."

"Sora, at this point, I don't care if we just recently went through massive amounts of character development and heart-rendingly adorable friendship scenes; if you sing the Spam song, I will _personally_ kill you," Riku threatened.

"Spaa-aa-aa-am! Spaa-aa-aa-am!"

Riku grabbed Sora by the collar, and things were about to get ugly, but suddenly they could hear the sounds of a vicious battle close by. The two of them forgot their quarrel (bless their short attention spans...) and raced off towards the sound.

They came to a clearing and halted, transfixed. An intense fight was playing out before their eyes. A knight all in green armor, whom they couldn't identify under his helmet, was fighting for his life against none other than...Sephiroth! Sora could tell because of his wing and 15-foot sword. The two combatants held nothing back, duking it out with a ferocious intensity that Sora had never seen before.

The green knight swiftly dodged a fierce blow from Sephiroth, then lunged forward, screaming, "YAAH!" There was something about that "yaah!" that seemed familiar to Sora, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it... Riku's eyes narrowed, but he said nothing.

Sephiroth stumbled, but recovered immediately and blasted the green knight with a fireball. The two spectators winced, but the fight was far from over. The green knight protected himself from the worst of the barrage with a dark energy shield (Riku's eyes narrowed even further) and pressed the attack. Sephiroth deflected the blows with one skillful sweep of his blade, and kicked the green knight in the chest. The knight went down with an "oomph!" and got up to meet Sephiroth's fist with his face.

The green knight's body was thrown into a tree, and his head landed at an odd angle. Sephiroth straightened, sheathed his sword, and lazily flicked an errant strand of hair back into place. Sora and Riku looked each other in the eyes, nodded, and strode into the clearing. Sephiroth saw them, but remained silent.

"Hey," Sora said, with his amazing talent for utterly ruining dramatic tension. "Mister Sephiroth. Dude." Over to his side, he saw Riku smack his head in exasperation. "You're a pretty good fighter."

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow. Sora amended, "Okay, I admit it, you're probably one of the most ownsome, kickbutt fighters there are. Yeah. Anyway, uh, my point is...do you want to join us? We're going to meet up with King Mickey and search for the Holy Grill!"

"Grail," Riku hissed.

"Really?" Sora asked. "It's Grail? Well, our quest doesn't make any sense now...Well, anyway, what do you say?"

Sephiroth said nothing. Riku, however, did. "Sora, did it not occur to you that _you're talking to freaking **Sephiroth?**_ Who happens to be _the_ most _evil bad-ass punk_ to _terrorize_ the _world?_ And you're asking him to **_join our party?_**"

Sora put up a finger towards Sephiroth in a "give me a minute, please" gesture, and turned to address Riku. "Now Riku," he admonished sternly, "didn't we have a _talk _about _second chances_? About how people can _change_? Hmm? _Weelll?_"

Riku put his head in his hands. "Oh, God, Sora, please no," he moaned.

"Weelll?" Sora crossed his arms.

A few quiet, tense minutes went by. "Yes," Riku muttered resentfully.

"What did we _say?_"

"Sora, _please_ don't make me do this _now_. Not in front of _Sephiroth_," Riku pleaded.

"What did we say about _peer pressure_? About saying _'no'_ to the darkness? About hurting with our words?" Sora was determined to get this all out.

Riku covered his face with his hands for a long time, apparently not trusting himself to speak. Finally, he mumbled, "The darkness is like a bad addictive drug that ruins your life, controls your mind, alienates your friends, and causes cavities, bad breath, acne, liver cancer, impotence, and heart disease. You will need help from your friends if you want to stay on the road to dawn. If you find yourself craving a dark fix, ask a buddy to slap you repeatedly in the face with a wet fish until the urge goes away. Above all else, remember that only you have the power to change yourself, and you must be confident in yourself before you can be confident in others." He said this very quickly and tonelessly, as if he'd memorized it out of a handbook (which he had).

"**_Anddd?"_** Sora kept at him.

"...and it is your duty to help others change for the better as well. Always trust the light in others, and you'll find the light in yourself," Riku finished sulkily.

"Thaaat's _right_," Sora declared triumphantly, apparently satisfied. "So, to answer your question: _yes_, we _are_ asking Sephy here to join the party. So, what d'you say?" he asked Sephiroth again.

Sephiroth said nothing, but slowly shook his head. "Don't worry, Sora, I won't say 'I told you so,'" Riku lazily interjected.

"Hmph," Sora grumbled. "Well, we better find the king..." He walked forward, but Sephiroth held up a hand to stop him.

"None shall pass," he stated, firmly and irresolutely.

"But—"

"_None shall pass."_

Riku stepped forward. "Look, it's not a big deal anymore; we don't want you in our party or anything; just let us through, okay? We have to go this way."

"Then you shall die," Sephiroth pronounced with grim finality.

Riku stepped forward. "Look, it's not a big deal anymore; we don't want you in our party or anything; just let us through, okay? We have to go this way."

"Then you shall die," Sephiroth pronounced with grim finality.

"Oooh, real smooth negotiator," Sora hissed.

"Think we can take him?" Riku shot back under his breath.

"Heck yes!" Sora grinned, trademark cockiness all set and ready to go. They both summoned their Keyblades and stood in guard position.

It was a fierce battle. Sora and Riku expended more energy blocking Sephiroth's attacks than actually attacking him. Finally, one of them got smart (probably Riku), and got the other to use Eternal Session. After the light flash cleared from _All's End_, Sephiroth was left standing with his fifteen-foot sword broken in half and his right arm cut off at the shoulder.

"All right!" Sora high-fived Riku. "We just _owned_ Sephi—ow!" He'd just been poked painfully in the small of the back by the end of the now seven-and-a-half-foot-long sword. Sephiroth danced around the two of them, brandishing the half of his weapon as if nothing was wrong.

"Come on, then!" He poked Sora again.

"Sephiroth, you're tough, but you can't possibly beat us both with one arm," Sora pointed out.

"'Tis merely a scratch," Sephiroth asserted, readying his blade. "Come on, you pansy!"

A rushing sound filled Sora's ears, and a red veil dropped over his vision. _"I ... am ... not ... a ... **PANSY!**"_ he screamed, and before he was aware of it, he'd snatched Way to the Dawn ("Hey!" Riku protested) and started wailing away on him. Now, Sephiroth (being Sephiroth, for heaven's sakes) could certainly hold his own with one arm, but he didn't take Sora's berserker skills into consideration. There were eleven or twelve loud clangs (hard to tell, they happened so fast), and Sephiroth's other arm lay on the ground.

"Ha...ha..." Sora panted triumphantly, hands on his knees. "Who's...the pansy..._now_..._sucker?_" Sora thought he heard Riku shout something, but a foot collided with his head before he could process it. "Wha—?"

"You think this is over, punk? I'm just getting started!" Despite having **_no arms_**, Sephiroth was intent on finishing the fight. He was jumping up very high by using his wing, and kicking at Sora's head, while blood was gushing uselessly out of his ruined shoulders.

"You crazy bastard—you've got no arms left!" Riku yelled.

"Yes I have!" Sephiroth kicked at Sora again (the ribs this time).

"What are those, then?" Riku pointed to the bloody limbs lying on the ground. Sephiroth looked, paused, and then insisted, "Merely a flesh wound! I've had worse!"

Riku snatched Way to the Dawn back from the still-panting Sora, and slashed Sephy's right leg off as he kicked at them again. Sephiroth fell on his butt, and somehow managed to get up using a leg and his wing. "I'll do you good for that," he threatened.

"What are you going to do, bleed on us?" Sora asked scornfully.

"Keep him away from my hair," Riku warned.

"I am _Sephiroth!_ _I am **invincible!**_" Sephiroth declared, hopping over to Sora and attempting to headbutt him.

Sora rolled his eyes. "You're a loony," he informed him.

"Oooh, if I had my arms, I'd totally Sin Harvest you," Sephiroth threatened, still trying to push Sora over solely with momentum. Riku took the opportunity to hack his other leg off.

Sephiroth's bleeding torso lay on the ground. He surveyed his surroundings and conceded, "All right, then, we'll call it a draw."

Sora and Riku shook their heads, and got ready to leave the clearing (ignoring Sephiroth's cries of, "You yellow bastards! I'll bite your legs off!"), when Sora stopped. "Hey, what about the other guy?"

Riku blinked. "What other guy?"

"The green one," Sora said. Without another word, he whirled and ran over to the very edge of the clearing, where the green knight's body lay.

"He's dead, isn't he?" Riku asked unconcernedly. Sora gave him the reproachful, "we should care about other people," look, and bent down to examine the knight.

"He's breathing," Sora pointed out after checking his pulse. "And...Hang on..." He froze, and pointed to the knight's weapon. "It's..."

Riku's eyes narrowed, and he picked it up. "The Soul Eater," he finished for Sora.

"But..." Sora tried to figure it out, failed, and moaned pathetically, "I'm _lost_..."

Riku wasn't, though. "Hells, no, it can't be..." He whipped off the knight's helmet to reveal...

Sora blinked. He blinked again. He rubbed his eyes, blinked a few more times, and then shrieked in confusement and terror. "Waaah! But I...but you...but he... GAAH!" The green knight...was Riku. Or looked like him, at any rate.

Riku seemed rather angry instead of bewildered, which only served to baffle Sora more. "No way! No freakin' way! I freakin' _killed_ the bastard! He's freakin' **_dead!_** _Not **possible!**_" he railed, kicking a tree with sudden violence. A coconut fell out of the tree (which shouldn't have been possible, as this was a deciduous forest) and hit the knight-who-looked-like-Riku on the head. He jerked awake.

"AAH! THE SPANISH INQUISITON!" he screamed (in Riku's voice, no less), then he calmed down. He looked up, saw Riku, and flew into an almost identical rage. "Oh, shit, _you're_ here! Dammit!" the knight yelled angrily. "I mean, of all the goddamned worlds you could be on, you _had_ to come here? Son of a—" Here, the Riku-who-wasn't-Riku described, in a number of terms highly unfit for print, exactly how many generations of scumbags it must have taken for such an idiotic blight on the world to be born, and things of that nature.

"Yeah, well I killed you, so you can take your—" Here, Riku described quite a few physiologically improbable things that the other Riku could do with numerous household objects.

"Yeah, well—"

"ALL RIGHT, THAT'S **_IT!_**" Sora bellowed. The two Rikus quieted immediately, neither of them having heard Sora _really_ yell before. "WILL SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT IS GOING ON BEFORE I PUT ONE THROUGH **_BOTH_** YOUR HEADS?"

Riku (the real one) sighed, both in exasperation and for dramatic effect, and pointed to the other Riku. "Sora, meet a replica of me, created by Vexen from my data, and generally a pain in the ass. What _I_ want to know is how he's alive when _I killed him_."

"Sorry, but you're gonna have to remain in the dark on that one," the fake Riku sneered. "Can't have the _Real Thing_ knowing how I can escape death, it's the only thing _I_ can do that _you _can't."

Sora looked at Riku. "You never told me you had a clone!" he admonished him.

"What! He was **_DEAD_**, for the love of Brian!" Riku snapped.

"Was not!"

"Shut up!"

"Do you want to join our party?" Sora blurted out.

Both of them whipped around to stare at him. "What!"

"Well, since Sephiroth's a limbless, bleeding torso, and we still need all the people we can get to help us find the Holy Grill—I mean, Grail..." Sora explained awkwardly, trailing off. Both were staring at him with their mouths open, as if each was still slightly dazed from a sharp blow to the head. Actually, it was kind of funny because they looked exactly the same. Sora tried appealing to the Riku he knew. "Come on, Riku, can we keep him? _Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?_" He used his best chibi-puppy-dog stare, letting his lower lip tremble slightly. (Fangirls: "AAAWWWW!)

"_Sora..._" Riku growled threateningly.

Sora changed tactics. "Riku, I have a fish on hand; don't make me slap you with it," he warned.

The Riku Replica, who had been watching with interest this entire exchange, chuckled wryly, and shrugged. "Well, I guess if it bugs the _Real Thing_, I could have fun. And who knows? Maybe this...'Grail' thing can help me find my own identity. Count me in."

While Riku choked and sputtered in ire, Sora helped his clone get up, and then surprised everyone by giving him a hug. "Hey, I know you'll find what you're looking for," he told him encouragingly.

"I'm going to die of embarrassment; I hope you're happy," Riku informed Sora.

"Oh, you're no fun," Sora told Riku, sticking his tongue out. "Oh, wait! I just thought of something!" He turned to Riku's clone. "You need a name."

Riku started rattling off suggestions: "A mockery, an imitation, facsimile, doppelganger..."

"_Hey!_" the Replica snapped, flushing.

"...duplicate, image, emulation, mimicry..."

"_Shut up!_"

Riku was still going. "...reflection, simulacrum, travesty..."

"That's it!" Sora said loudly, quite out of the blue. The two of them blinked. "What?"

Sora excitedly declared, "We can call you 'Travis'!"

Riku's clone considered it. "...I like it," he said, grinning. "Travis it is."

Riku put his head in his hands. "You've _got_ to be kidding me..." he moaned.

And that's how Travis joined the search for the Holy Grill—er, Grail.

A/N: So? So? So? What did you think? Oh, and Jade wants it known that if you want to discuss the horrible mistreatment of clones, contact her.

Jade: "Poor Travis, all he wants is to be his own person..." (huggles Travis)


	4. Witches and Warriors

**Kingdom Hearts: The Quest for the Holy Grail**

King Mickey is on a quest—to find the Holy Grail! Also featuring Riku, Sora, Donald, Goofy, the Riku Replica, and Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Fanfiction. Spoof of all things Monty Python.

A/N: Yay! Finally, I have typed up Chapter Three! Woohoo! Oh, yeah, visit my profile to see my little plot bunny for another KH fic—a Riku-centric humor fic based on random party-based humor...

Disclaimer: **_Not mine_**. Oh, and the rocks-in-the-head conversation I sort of cannibalized from Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda (great show).

**Chapter 3:** **Witches and Warriors**

On the way to Disney Castle, Riku and Travis got into a fight. Not just any fight, mind you; it was a "your momma" fight. "Your momma's so fat, when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up!" Travis yelled.

"Your momma's so stupid, she heard it was chilly out and ran to get a plus-sized bowl!" Riku shouted.

"Weak! Your momma's so stupid that she climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side!" Travis countered.

"Oh, yeah? Your momma's like a hockey player; she doesn't change her pad for three periods," Riku retorted.

"EEEWW!" Sora gasped, revolted.

Riku exasperatedly turned to Sora and rebuked him, "Do you _mind?_ You're disrupting our rhythm."

Travis took the opportunity to come back with a good one. "Your momma's so nasty, she makes Right Guard turn left!"

"_Your_ momma..."

And now, it's time for something completely different.

XxXxX

Mickey and Pluto found themselves, once again, in a primitive village filled with dirty, uneducated peasants. The fun, however, was only just beginning.

"A witch! A witch! We've found a witch!" The peasants seemed beside themselves with rabid excitement. "Burn her! Burn the witch! Death to the witch! Burn her!"

The witch in question was a pale, blonde-haired, skinny wisp of a girl, certainly not over fifteen, clothed in a plain white dress. She had a carrot tied to the end of her nose, and a black pointy hat carelessly jammed onto her head. She looked rather miffed and embarrassed at the whole thing.

The peasants bore her up to a platform in the public square to demand execution from the local expert on witches—Goofy, of all people. They dumped her down in front of Goofy and thronged around the platform, clamoring, "A witch! A witch! Burn the witch!" One villager stepped up—Vivi, the Black Mage. "We have found a witch!" he declared. "May we burn her?" The crowd roared its approval.

Goofy held up his hands for silence, and asked, "Well, (a-hyuck) how do you know she is a witch?"

"She looks like one!" a random peasant shouted from the back, and the rest shouted their agreement. "Yes! She is dressed like a witch! Burn the witch!"

The girl straightened upon the platform, hurriedly smoothing her dress down, and protested, "My name is Naminé, and I am _not_ a witch! _They_ dressed me up like this!"

Goofy, after examining the carrot and hat, gave the crowd a questioning look. "No!" they shouted. "No, we didn't do that! Well...maybe! In a way—sort of. A bit. But she is a witch! Burn the witch!"

"Now, wait there a minute (a-hyuck)," Goofy said, gesturing for silence. "Now, what makes ya think that this-here Naminé is a witch?"

One peasant stepped forward. He had spiky blond hair, penetrating blue eyes, and an enormous Buster Sword wrapped in a tattered, bloodstained cloth. "She turned _me_ into a _Heartless_!" he shouted, flinging an accusing finger towards the trembling girl on the platform.

There was an uncomfortable silence as all eyes fell on him, taking him in. Cloud shifted uneasily from foot to foot, and awkwardly added, "...I got better."

Another quick silence descended. "Burn her anyway!" Leon shouted from somewhere in the crowd (Mickey rolled his eyes upon hearing this), and the rest joined in. "Yes, burn her anyway! She's a witch! Death to the witch!"

Goofy quieted the rabid crowd with difficulty. "Please!" he beseeched the throng. "There are _ways_ of telling if she's a witch!"

The crowd was surprised and a little pleased. "There are? Tell us, wise Sir Goofy! What are the ways?" Leon added, "Do they hurt?"

"Now, tell me," Goofy said, trying to keep them calm. "Tell me, what do ya do with witches?"

The response was unanimous. "_BURN THEM!_"

Goofy settled the crowd again, and asked, "Now, what do you burn _besides_ witches?"

"More witches!" Leon shouted, but was smacked upside the head by Yuffie. There was a hesitant muttering amongst them all, until Vivi spoke up. "Wood?"

"So..." Goofy was building up to some important point, "_Why_ do witches burn?"

Silence descended. Some uneasy mutterings flitted amid the mob. The peasants were stumped. Finally, Cloud said, so softly that it was a wonder anyone heard, "...B-because they're made of...wood?"

"Good!" Goofy grinned in a relieved sort of way. The peasants stirred uneasily, but came around to this conclusion ("Yes, yes, of course, I see..." and the like). "So (a-hyuck)," Goofy prompted, "how can we tell if she is made of wood?"

"Build a bridge out of her?" Leon suggested.

"Ah, but can't you build bridges out of stone, too?" Goofy pointed out.

Yuffie poked Leon. "Stick with politics, Leon," she advised. Leon stuck his tongue out at her.

Goofy, seeing that the peasants were getting nowhere, gave them another hint. "Does wood sink in water?"

Cloud caught on. "No, it floats!" he shouted joyfully. "Tie weights on her! Throw her in the pond!" another yelled, and pretty soon, the entire mass of peasants was clamoring to throw Naminé in the pond. Goofy had trouble calming them down.

"Wait! Wait!" he begged. "Tell me, what also floats on water?"

"Uh..." The peasants once again were mystified, though not for long. "Bread?" Cloud suggested. "No, no," someone else called. "Apples?" Leon guessed. "Gravy...very small rocks..." Goofy kept shaking his head, trying to hint to them the correct answer.

"A duck!" The shout came from beyond the crowd. All turned to see King Mickey, who up until then had been completely ignored. Goofy looked quite impressed. "Exactly," he said.

Cloud seemed stubbornly determined to clunk his way through the point that Goofy was trying to make. "So," he said hesitantly, "if she weighs...the same as a duck...she's made of wood?"

"And therefore...?" Goofy prompted.

There was silence as the peasants pondered. Suddenly, Vivi got it. "A witch!" he yelled, and the peasants' blood rage was rekindled. "A witch! A witch!"

"(A-hyuck) We'll use my largest scales," Goofy said, and the peasants carried the protesting Naminé over to a random contraption made with many hooks, levers, and pulleys. They unceremoniously dumped her into one box-like enclosure, and into the other, they dragged a kicking, screaming, and unintelligibly swearing...Donald Duck! "Sorry, Donald, but if you could just hold still for a few minutes..." Goofy apologized through the mesh screen on the makeshift door. Donald was busy shrieking, _"WHAAAHHHH!"_

"Remove the supports!" Goofy called. The supports were knocked out from under the enclosures. Both boxes swung, pulleys creaking in protest, but otherwise balanced perfectly. The peasants were ecstatic.

"A witch! She is indeed a witch! Burn her! Burn the witch!" they shouted. Naminé sighed dramatically, and admitted, "It's a fair cop."

As the peasants dragged Naminé off to be executed, Mickey was left to greet Goofy. "Goofy! It's been a while," Mickey said, slapping him on the back. "How'd you get so smart?" he added.

"Oh, I took some night classes at the local monastery. They teach Latin, witch identification, and how to avoid the Spanish Inquisition," Goofy said proudly.

The mesh door to one of the scales swung open, and Donald stalked out. "What's the big idea!" he shrieked in his duckish voice.

"Donald! How's it going?" Mickey greeted him, giving him a noogie. "Now, I know you two got here ahead of me to gather information, so tell me what you've gathered on the location of the Holy Grail."

The two glanced sideways at each other. "Uhh..." Goofy said. "Err..." Donald trailed off. Mickey crossed his arms.

"Didn't find anything, did'ja?" he observed shrewdly.

The two of them lowered their eyes. "We're sorry, Your Majesty," Donald apologized. "We'll do better."

Mickey couldn't be disappointed with those two for too long; heck, he'd forgiven them for disobeying direct orders to drag the Keybearer kicking and screaming away from Hollow Bastion, hadn't he? "Well, if you're going to be a help, I suppose I should...knight you both," he said, winking. Donald and Goofy immediately dropped to one knee, stunned. Mickey's Keyblade materialized in his hand, and he tapped Goofy on the head with it. "Rise, Sir Goofy." He did the same for Donald. "Rise, Sir Donald." Dramatic music was coming from somewhere. Mickey solemnly declared, "Rise, and let us quest for the Holy Grail!"

XxXxX

The "your momma" fight had ended in Riku's favor (there really was no comeback to "your momma's a Heartless!"), and the three travelers had lapsed into a tense silence. Sora walked protectively between Riku and Travis with the air of someone unicycling naked on a wire over a lava pit. Normally, Riku could expect a barrage of, "_Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?_" from Sora, but Sora apparently knew it wouldn't be a good idea to push Riku's buttons at the moment.

Travis didn't, though. "Are we there yet?" he whined, rubbing the welt on his head where Sephy had thrown him into the tree. "My head hurts."

"I think Vexen put rocks in your head," Riku told him, glad of an opportunity to take out his irritation on Travis.

"Why don't I headbutt you so you can be certain?" Travis snapped, bristling.

"Oh, I'm sure," Riku snorted, enjoying himself. "In fact, when you're on worlds with a lot of gravity, does your _head_ get sucked to the ground first?"

Travis unsheathed the Soul Eater partway, letting the sun glint dangerously off the sharp edge. "Insulting me isn't gonna be good for your health," he threatened, "_especially_ if you're still afraid of the dark."

Before the situation collapsed into violence, Sora smacked them both upside the head with either hand, and scolded, "Can't we spend _five minutes_ without acting like eight-year-olds, people?"

Riku and Travis both looked at him like there was a Spam-eating penguin on his head. "No!" they said simultaneously.

Silence again. "Are we there yet, Crybaby?" Travis asked maliciously.

"'Fraid not, Fathead," Riku retorted easily. Sora shook his head and groaned.

XxXxX

Meanwhile, in some parallel reality, the pages of a large book were being turned by some enormous hand. A booming voice narrated:

"The wise Sir Goofy and bipolar Sir Donald were the first to join King Mickey's Knights...but other illustrious names were soon to follow." The hand turned a page for every name to reveal the character's face.

"Sir Riku, the Brave and Angst-Ridden..." the voice announced, "Sir Sora, the Pure...Sir Travis, the not-quite-as-angst-ridden-as-Sir-Riku, who had nearly beaten Larxene the Sadist, who had come close to owning Sir Sora...four times...and who had personally escaped death at the hands of Sir Riku in a rather suspicious turn of events that he refuses to divulge...and finally...Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Fanfiction.

"Together, they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries..."–Some random music swelled dramatically—"The Knights of the Round Table." Suddenly, the large hand was snatched away by an even larger gorilla's hand, and the music stopped.

A/N: Wow, this chapter took _forever_ to type. I hate typing...I'm very slow at it... Next Chapter: Cid the Historian meets his unfortunate demise, and Riku nearly falls off the darkness-free wagon. Review!


	5. A Task Is Given

**Kingdom Hearts: The Quest for the Holy Grail**

King Mickey is on a quest—to find the Holy Grail! Also featuring Riku, Sora, Donald, Goofy, the Riku Replica, and Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Fanfiction. Spoof of all things Monty Python.

A/N: Sorry this took so long, but I stopped to do a KH one-shot halfway through—which was a waste of time because NO ONE REVIEWED. Gaah. (If you love me and want to be nice, you could drop in and read it. It's called Twilight Dreamer.) Anyway, I would like to thank the Lord that summer has begun! And hopefully, that means that my updates will come faster. At least, they will if the _document manager would quit acting up!_ (glares) Well, nothing more to say here. Carry on.

Disclaimer: **_Not mine_**. The Round Table song I tried to mostly leave alone, but the places where I replaced stuff are sadly obvious. Don't kill me. I had to make it relevant. And I'm pretty sure thatSteve Jobs is the Pixar CEO, in case you were wondering.

**Chapter 4:** **A Task Is Given**

Cid Highwind, a notoriously famous historian, stood in the middle of the forest, narrating a documentary for posterity. "While the trio of Sora, Riku, and the newly christened Travis seem doomed to fall apart soon, it will take more than a few petty disagreements to sunder their fighting spirit. In the next few scenes, we will see our band reunite themselves with their King, and—"

The aforementioned trio rushed on-screen, past a very confused camera-person (Yuffie) and Cid. Sora and Riku dashed by, being closely chased after by a dangerous-looking cow, snorting and bellowing. "Hey!" Cid yelled. "This wasn't in the script!" Travis then ran past, waving his sword around wildly and yelling, "Don't worry, I'll get it!" His sword flashed out and slashed open Cid's jugular vein. Cid fell, blood spraying everywhere, and died.

There was silence in the woods again. Yuffie ran on-screen suddenly, crying, "Cid!"

XxXxX

Sora and Riku leaned against a tree, panting heavily. They apparently had lost the demon cow, for now anyway, but Travis didn't seem to have caught up yet. Sora raised one hand (with effort) and gestured in the direction they had come from. "**_That_**," he gasped, "was **not** _(pant pant)_ right..."

"Yeah..." Riku agreed, chest heaving. "That cow...was _diseased_...or **_possessed_**...or **_something_**..."

"Well, no one would know better than _you_," Travis observed, walking into the clearing. He obviously was happy about getting the upper hand on Riku, insult-wise, but he also had a nervous, guilty look in his eyes.

Riku tried to jump up quickly, stung by the jibe, but tripped over Sora's Keyblade, which had just materialized strategically in front of his legs. He settled for threatening Travis from the ground. "**_You shut your mouth_**," he warned, the tone of his voice in fact quite scary (it seemed to have dropped a few octaves for this purpose).

Travis actually stepped back, momentarily startled, but he regained his composure quickly. "If you say so, 'Real Thing.'"

Sora stepped in to defend Riku, for once. "Now, Travis," he admonished, "I know you and Riku obviously have a...history, but that is no excuse for this kind of fighting. We're all on the same side here, so if you two can't—wait, what is _that_?" Sora pointed to Travis's blade, which, Riku now noticed, had blood smeared all over it. Travis glanced at it and sheathed it immediately.

"Nothing," he hastily insisted, but he didn't quite meet either of their eyes. Riku got to his feet slowly, eyeing him with suspicion. "It's just..." Travis danced around the subject, eyes darting around the clearing, "I was trying...to get at the cow from behind...and, um, I was waving my sword around—sort of wildly, and, er...I may—possibly—have kind of, well...hit someone by accident...with the sharp end."

Riku lunged at Travis and hoisted him up by the collar. "_Who_ did you hurt?" he snarled, eyes flashing. "_How bad was it?_"

"Well, you see, it was that blond guy, in the clearing, um..."

"**_What did you do to Cid?_**" Riku yelled, shaking him.

"Uh..." Travis looked at the ground shamefacedly and admitted, "I think I hit an artery...uh, it—it didn't look too good..."

Sora hung his head. "Poor Cid," he whispered.

Some little wire in Riku's brain that connected him to his sanity snapped. He threw Travis bodily into a tree with a wild howl of rage. "_You killed Cid?_ **_You killed Cid, you bastard!"_** Riku clenched his hand, as Way to the Dawn materialized in his fist. He was going to _break Travis in half. _A black surge of fierce pleasure ran through him as he felt dark waves of—

"**_INTERVENTION!"_** he heard Sora scream, and then he was suddenly tackled around his midsection and hurled into another tree. He slammed the back of his head and saw stars. Suddenly, a cold wet scaly something slapped across his face, startling him out of his fury. Then, the other cheek. "What are you—?" he demanded, but was slapped again.

"Riku, this is for your own good," Sora told him firmly, while continuing to smack him with...a wet fish? Riku tried to grab it and push Sora off him, but Sora hauled back and gave him a huge smack, and he blacked out for a couple minutes. Riku opened his eyes to see Sora holding a limp mackerel and scrutinizing him with concern. A slow, creeping flush of shame went up his neck and into his cheeks as he realized what he'd almost done, and he hung his head in embarrassment.

"...Sorry," he muttered. "Sorry, I just...it kinda jumped on me that time..."

"No sweat, the guy from the DA meeting said that this would be a hard step for you," Sora told him bracingly, shoving the fish back into his pocket. "As it is, you're lucky I spotted the warning signs. You gonna be okay?" Riku nodded wordlessly.

Travis stepped forward, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "Umm...for what it's worth," he began, "I'm really sorry about your friend, and, ah...I want to apologize for all the cracks I made. I didn't realize how much trouble you were going through—with the darkness and all, and well...Sorry."

Riku admitted, "Yeah, well, I haven't been that nice to you either, so...truce?" He held out his hand. Travis looked at it for a moment, then shook it. "Truce."

Sora all of a sudden, popped out of nowhere, put an arm around each of their shoulders, and squeezed them. "Aww, isn't this cute?" he said, grinning maniacally. "Bonding time!"

"Sora," Riku said calmly. "Please stop touching me."

XxXxX

Later that day, in a different part of the same forest, Mickey, Donald and Goofy were being pursued by none other than...the Spanish Inquisition!

"You will not escape the wrath of...**THE COMFY CHAIR!**" a fat man shouted, waving a large stick in a threatening manner.

"Yes!" the other man shouted. "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is fear! Fear and surprise...wait, our chief weapons are fear surprise, and ruthless efficiency! Er, among out chief weapons are fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and a fanatical..."

The rest of the recited litany of the chief weapons of the Spanish Inquisition was lost as the three heroes managed to ditch their pursuers. "Stupid Inquisition," Donald muttered. "I could have taken them!"

"They'd have dumped you in the comfy chair, and that would have been the end of you," Goofy told him sternly.

Donald would have loudly taken offense at that if Mickey hadn't shushed them at that moment. "Look," he said, pointing into the clearing ahead of them. Pluto had bounded up to the three sleeping figures lying around the area, and sniffed at the foot of the shortest one. Yes, that would be Sora. Pluto, after smelling Sora's oversized foot for a while, got bored and trotted over to another of the figures. After sniffing at _his_ foot, Pluto ran around to his other end and began to lick his face eagerly.

"Mmpf, stop it, Vexen, you can't have my brain," the figure muttered aloud. "I don't care _whose_ brain you need to dissect, you can't take mine while I'm using it...leave me alone, you jerk..." Mickey and the others tiptoed into the clearing for a better look, when—"YAAH!" The person, to whom Pluto had evidently taken a liking, leapt up as if scalded. "HOLY SWEET JE—oh, it's just a dog," he breathed, still clutching at his apparently pounding heart.

Mickey recognized him. "Hey, it's Riku!" he told Donald and Goofy, who, being that they hadn't had the chance to bond with him like Mickey had, didn't much care.

Riku was rubbing his head and muttering something about needing "a whole lot of serious therapy after this." Mickey cleared his throat. Riku looked up and recoiled in surprise. "Gaah! We're surrounded! I knew it!" he yelled.

"Wait, don't worry, it's me!" Mickey said loudly, trying to calm him down.

Riku blinked several times in quick succession. "Uhh...and you would be?" he prompted.

Mickey blinked. "Hello-_oo_?" he asked. "It's only King Mickey, for crying out loud. Did Sora spike your punch again?"

Riku stared at him for a minute, and then comprehension dawned. "Oh, so _you're_ the king guy! Sorry, thought you'd be taller." Mickey bristled. "**WHO DID YOU SAY WAS SMALL LIKE A GRAIN OF RICE AND DOESN'T SHOW UP IN YOUR EYES?**" he exploded.

Riku jumped back, terrified of the tiny mouse's fury, but then the third person woke up, reluctantly, it would seem. "Travis, once again you are making it _very very difficult_ for me to stay clean and darkness-free," he warned. Mickey's mouth dropped open in response to the presence of a second Riku in the clearing.

"I'm sorry," the first Riku whined. "It's not my fault! First, Vexen wanted my brain again, and then the dog came out of nowhere—and we were surrounded—and the mouse was the king, and something about punch, and—MY BRAIN HURTS!" He broke down, clutching his head. The second Riku rolled his eyes. "Drama queen," he muttered.

"Let me put it this way," Mickey said. "_What in the name of Walter Elias Disney is going on?_"

The second Riku rubbed his eyes and let out a weary sigh. "Your Majesty, meet Travis. Travis, meet His Majesty King Mickey the First; and I'm Riku, just so we're clear on that. Now, I think Sora should join the party." Having said so, Riku delivered a hearty kick to Sora's rear end.

Sora just rolled over in his sleep, muttering, "I'm cuttin' class today, Riku, take notes for me..." Riku kicked him again, and Sora rolled off the log he was asleep on. There was a loud thump.

"Are you done yet?" Goofy asked, while Sora stood up, rubbing his head and glaring at Riku.

"Yeah, I think that's it," Travis said.

"Then let us ride..." Mickey said, his eyes alight with dramatic fervor, "...to _Disney Castle_!"

At that, no one responded. They were all remembering the last time that they'd been to Disney Castle (except poor Travis).

XxXxX

_Cue flashback song scene:_

**Sora:** We're Knights of the Round Table

We fight whene'er we're able

We kill Heartless

'Cuz we're the best

With swordplay impeccable

Come live in Disney Castle

Nowhere else is worth the hassle!

_(cheesy music)_

**Donald:** We're Knights of the Round Table

Our shows are formidable

But many times

We're given rhymes

We find quite unsingable

We're gangsta here at Disney

Yo yo, wassup, fo'shizz-ney?

_(more cheesy music)_

**Goofy:** In war we're tough and able

Quite indefatigable

Between our quests

We sequin vests

And impersonate Clark Gable

It's a busy life at Disney Castle—

_(pause)_

**Horace Horsecollar:** _(a cappella)_ Steve Jobs is an—

_(HH is quickly stifled, cheesy music resumes, scene ends)_

XxXxX

"Yeah, on second thought, let's not go to Disney Castle," Mickey amended. Everyone murmured their assent. "It is a silly place."

They finally made it out of the forest, when all of a sudden, a huge bright light exploded just ahead of them. A loud, obnoxious, smug, and all-too-familiar voice called out, "Well, if it isn't King Mickey and company! What do you know?" A man in a black Organization XIII coat appeared in the light. The hood was up, but the man pulled it down. A mane of fiery red spikes cascaded down his shoulders.

"Axel!" Sora said, displaying amazing powers of observation and tact. "I thought you were dead!"

"Casting crisis, kid. Gotta roll with the punches," Axel remarked. Sora fell silent, trying to work out what he meant. Axel continued, "But let's not get into a shouting match over who is and isn't dead,"—here, he gave a meaningful look to Travis—"I'm here, representing an omnipotent entity, to inform _you_ of the task that is set for you."

King Mickey frowned thoughtfully. "Go on," he said.

"So glad to have your permission," Axel added frostily. "You all are here, as I'm sure your king has told you, searching for a powerful and mysterious object known only to you as...the 'Holy Grail.'" Axel held up a hand, palm up, and an image of a glowing golden goblet appeared above it, radiating light. "That's the _HOLY GRAIL_. G-R-A-I-L. Got it memorized?

"And now, I get to make my dramatic exit!" Axel announced, evidently pleased with himself.

"Wait! Where can we find the Grail?" Travis asked.

Axel was already fading back to wherever he came from, but he yelled, "You might want to try the old man from Chapter Eight! Or DiZ the Enchanter! That's D-I-Z! Got it..." And that was the last they saw of Axel.

King Mickey jumped on a nearby rock. "A holy sign!" he shouted excitedly. "This indeed is a blessing from the Lord! We shall go forth...!"

"Wait, Axel?" Sora asked in confusion. "A blessing? From **_Axel? _**You can't seriously believe that—"

Riku elbowed him. "Stick to the script," he hissed.

"Oh, right, right," Sora said. A few embarrassed moments passed. "Whose line?" he asked sheepishly.

King Mickey glared at them. "No one's," he said testily. "It's the end of the chapter."

A/N: Hope that last bit was "Pythonesque" enough. Review!


	6. Travis and the Trojan Rabbit

**Kingdom Hearts: The Quest for the Holy Grail**

King Mickey is on a quest—to find the Holy Grail! Also featuring Riku, Sora, Donald, Goofy, the Riku Replica, and Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Fanfiction. Spoof of all things Monty Python.

A/N: August...is gone. Summer indeed has ended, and with the end of summer comes..._school_. (shudder) Anyway, that means the usual "iAtRI's schedule may or may not allow for regular updates blah blah blah." The chapters also may vary in size, depending on which of the movie's "sketches" I want to fit in at a time. Thanks to all my reviewers, and enjoy Chapter Five!

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or Monty Python. I've tried to keep relevant dialogue as intact as possible while not fully forfeiting creativity (not to mention not looking like I'm plagiarizing), and let me tell you, it's tough. Cut me a break here.

**Chapter 5:** **Travis and the Trojan Rabbit**

King Mickey, Sir Donald, Sir Goofy, and the newly knighted trio of Sirs Sora, Riku, and Travis, all stared up at a large castle. It wasn't Castle Disney, so they thought maybe they could ask if anyone knew of the Holy Grail, or the two likely contacts that Axel had mentioned.

"Hello?" Sora knocked on the door and craned his head up. For a brief moment, no one answered. Then someone's head popped up over the battlements. "'Allo? Whoo is eet?" the person asked in a ridiculously fake French accent.

Riku jumped back as if shot. Yes, the person was dressed in chain mail armor and a helmet, speaking with a weird accent, and wearing a crazily bushy false moustache, but there was no mistaking the voice, the face, or the pervasive stench of darkness. It was Maleficent.

It seemed, however, that this fact wasn't so readily apparent to the rest of his companions. Mickey announced, "I am King Mickey, and these are my Knights of Disney Castle! Whose castle is this?"

A few seconds' pause, and then Maleficent answered with a sullen tone to her disguised voice, "This ees the castle of my master, Pete de Loimbard."

Riku tried to get the King's attention. "Ah, Your Majesty—"

"Please go and tell your master," King Mickey rolled right over him, "that we have been charged by Axel with a sacred quest, and if he will give us food and shelter, he may join us in our quest for the Holy Grail."

"Um, King Mickey, there's—"

"Well, I'll ask him, but I don't theenk he'll be vairy keen," Maleficent called down. "He's already got one, you see."

"_What?_" King Mickey was dumbfounded.

"He says they've already got one," Sora pointed out helpfully.

"Well, uh..." The King was at a loss. "Can we come up and see it?"

Riku tried one more time. "You Majesty, it's—"

"Of course not!" Maleficent exploded, conveniently cutting Riku off. "You are Eenglish pigs!"

Mickey was highly affronted and could only sputter in ire for several moments. Sora turned to Riku. "I thought we were Americanized Japanese," he said, clearly very confused. Riku didn't trust himself to speak.

"Well...well...well, what are _you_ then?" King Mickey demanded, trying for logic points.

"I'm a _Heartless commander_, you silly King!" Maleficent declared. "Why do you theenk I have thees _out-**ray**-geeous_ accent?"

Ignoring the random gasps from the rest of the company, Riku yelled up to her, "So, Maleficent? You're working for Pete now? What's with the accent and the outfit?—_love_ the 'stache, by the way..."

There was a sullen pause up on the battlements. "I lost a bet," Maleficent grumbled sulkily, stepping out of character for a moment.

While Riku creatively showed Maleficent that he thought she was Number One, King Mickey tried to negotiate. "If you will not show us the Grail," he shouted, "then we shall storm your castle!" Everyone else voiced loud assent. "Yeah!" "That's right!"

Maleficent openly sneered through her false moustache. "You don't frighten us, light-loving pig-dog. Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose on you so-called Mickey King, you and your silly Eenglish k...niggets!" She put her hands to her ears and blew a very loud, very wet raspberry.

"Was she always like this?" Travis asked Riku. Riku didn't answer, but his long, drawn-out shudder was all the answer they needed.

Maleficent continued berating, "I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries."

Sora asked, with characteristic optimism, "Is there anyone else we could talk to?"

Maleficent was emphatic. "_Non_. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time."

"Now, this is your last chance," Mickey admonished her, trying to get back in control of the whole situation. "I've been more than reasonab..."

The entire company spotted it at the same time. "**_Mother of Axel!_**" Mickey shouted, as the Large Body Heartless that had been catapulted over the battlements crushed Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Fanfic (who went on to make many movies and was never heard from again).

"Knights! Run away!" The remaining six of them dove for the cover of the woods, meanwhile being pelted with a variety of Heartless—Soldiers, Darkballs, Fat Bandits, Large Bodies, Rapid Thrusters, and what have you. The knights were very lucky that Maleficent had already used the last Behemoth on a pair of Jehovah's Witnesses.

Once safely among the trees, they had to plan their next move. Riku, typically, was all for the "storm the castle and slaughter the bastards" method. "The sods!" he declared, eyes flashing with unmistakable bloodlust. "I'll tear them apart!"

Sore and Travis caught eyes and nodded. While Sora busied himself with beating Riku senseless with a mackerel, Travis got King Mickey's attention. "Hey! Your Majesty! I have...an idea," he told him, trying to keep his obvious excitement from carrying him away (and failing miserably at that). "AND it's totally original. And creative. And mine. The idea, I mean."

Mickey frowned. "Go on," he said warily. "Oh, and by the way, what are they doing over there?" he asked, gesturing over to Donald and Goofy, who were trying to pull Sora off Riku (who could not breathe). Sora was busy shrieking, "Remember the steps!" while Riku was busy choking on a chunk of fish that had gotten lodged in his throat.

"I've failed!" Sora wailed. "He's turning _blue_ with _evil_! I've _failed_ as an agent of the light, and as a _friend_!" While Sora collapsed, sobbing his heart out, Donald gave Riku a hearty kick in the diaphragm. With a mighty _hwock_, the fish chunk burst out of his esophagus.

Riku coughed once or twice weakly, looked over at Sora, and biffed him on the back of the head. "Idiot," he rasped.

Travis looked back at King Mickey, and shrugged. "Happens once a day or so, as far as I can tell. Perfectly normal. Now back to my idea..."

"Yeah, yeah, the idea, right..."

Travis took a deep breath. "Well, here goes. This idea of mine, which was thought of by me, making it mine—that is to say, I conceived of it just now, actually, so there's no question that the idea in question is, in fact, mine..."

"TRAVIS!"

"Right, right. 'My Idea,' by Travis the..." He tried to remember his lengthy title, but couldn't. "'The One to Whom His Idea Belongs,'" he substituted. "Brackets, '_sir'_, brackets. My idea..."

XxXxX

Maleficent was hanging around the battlements, doing her best to look very badass, when the sounds of hammering, sawing, drilling, and other random construction noises reached her ears. She frowned.

Pretty soon, a creaking noise could be heard, as of large rusty wooden wheels being carted up the road. Maleficent and the rest of her Heartless peeked out to see a huge, twenty-foot wooden rabbit being wheeled up to the castle doors. It had a black bow tied around its neck. Maleficent rolled her eyes.

"Têtes de derrières," she remarked.

XxXxX

Six pairs of eyes peered out from the bushes (three sets of black, one pair of blue, and two pairs of sky-blue/sea-green/storm-cloud-white/cyan, if you were wondering). "Do you think they'll fall for it?" Sora asked. "I mean, not that it isn't a great idea, but...it seems strangely familiar." Meanwhile, Donald and Goofy were busy sulking at the fact that they had no useful dialogue in this chapter.

Riku was looking very skeptical. "You know," he remarked to Travis, "this original idea isn't very original." Travis bristled. "Oh, like _you've_ ever done anything like this before!" he hissed. "Name _one_—"

"_Shh!_" King Mickey shushed them. "Travis, let's go over the plan again." Travis seemed to swell with pride at being able to explain his marvelous plan. He paused to stick his tongue out at Riku. "Well," he explained, "next, Sora, Riku, and I wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit and take the Heartless by surprise—not only by surprise, but totally unarmed, and..." Travis unexpectedly trailed off. Something seemed off about the plan, but he couldn't put a finger on it.

Mickey looked thrown off as well, but with a trace of foreboding. "Who...who breaks out?" he asked, praying for the right answer.

"Er, Sora, Riku, and I...we, er...leap out of the rabbit, and..." Travis spotted the problem. "Oh."

Riku buried his face in his hands and moaned bitterly.

Travis made a salvage attempt. "Uh, maybe if we built a large wooden chocobo..." he tentatively suggested.

"No. Just shut up now. Shut up," Riku snapped testily.

Travis opened his mouth to defend himself, when a large "twang!" sounded from the battlements. "RUN AWAY!" Sora shouted as the Trojan Rabbit came sailing towards them.

Maleficent, atop the castle walls, grinned. "I love my job," she said.

A/N: Yay for timely updates! I have most of Chapter Six written already, but with school beginning, I have no real idea of my schedule at this point. Check my profile for updates and such. Also, Jade would like to take this opportunity to huggle Travis.


	7. The Tale of Sir Donald

**Kingdom Hearts: The Quest for the Holy Grail**

King Mickey is on a quest—to find the Holy Grail! Also featuring Riku, Sora, Donald, Goofy, the Riku Replica, and Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Fanfiction. Spoof of all things Monty Python.

A/N: Feh, this is mostly filler. I have Chapter Seven halfway written as I post this, so hopefully I will get it up soon. If you want more humor from me, I recommend my other KH humor fic, _The Party from Hell_. If you want humor from some other, more reliable source, I highly recommend anything written by **Wolf McCloud-123**, as well as the masterful _Those Who Lack Spines_, by Gexegee of **Organization XI**. There, my plugs are done for the day.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or Monty Python. I've tried to keep relevant dialogue as intact as possible while not fully forfeiting creativity (not to mention not looking like I'm plagiarizing), and let me tell you, it's tough. Cut me a break here.

**Chapter 6: The Tale of Sir Donald**

Defeat at the Heartless Fortress had utterly _(terrible pun alert)_ disheartened _(told you)_ our heroes. In order to more efficiently search for the Holy Grail, the six of them split into four teams: King Mickey and Sir Goofy, Sir Riku and Sir Travis (dun dun dun...), Sir Sora flying solo, and Sir Donald and his minstrels. Or to put it more accurately, his nephews.

Here follows...The Tale of Sir Donald.

Sir Donald walked through the woods, nervously clattering his own two coconut halves together. Behind him, Huey, Dewey and Louie sang their favorite song to bolster his courage. It went a little something like this...

_Bravely, bold Uncle Donald rode forth from Disney Castle_

_He was not afraid to die, oh, brave Uncle Donald_

_He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways_

_Oh, brave, brave, brave Uncle Donald_

_He was not in the least bit scared to be smashed into a pulp_

_And to have his eyes gouged out, and his wins broken_

_To have his webbed feet split and his body burned away_

_And served as Duck À L'Orange, brave Uncle Donald_

_Hid head smashed in, and his heart gouged out_

_And his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged_

_And his nostrils raped, and his bottom burned off_

_And his beak split, and his..._

Sir Donald interrupted his nephews, "Er, that's... that's enough music for a while, boys. It looks as though there's dirty work afoot."

Louie tried for one more verse. "Brave Uncle—"

"Shut up."

XxXxX

They passed a number of warning signs, all in triplicate, saying thing like, "Disney Castle, 43, Certain Death 1," "Beware," "Go Back," and "Dead People Only." Then they passed three knights all skewered to a tree on one lance, looking for all the world like some grisly shish kabob. Huey, Dewey, and Louie set the scene with appropriately eerie tension-building music. Suddenly, our trio came upon...CERBERUS!

"ROOARR," said Cerberus.

"EEEP," said Donald.

"COOL!" said the boys.

The large, three-headed dog sniffed the four intrepid adventurers, as dogs are wont to do. "They smell bad," said the first head, _quite_ out of the blue _and_ in an English accent, no less. "Really? I like it," said the middle head in reply. "But who are they?" the last head piped in.

"He is brave Sir Donald, brave Sir Donald, who—" Huey began, but Donald hastily stifled him.

Cerberus's heads looked suspicious, but Donald hastily explained, "Oh, nobody, really. Just passing through."

"What do you want?" the middle head demanded.

"To fight and—" Dewey sang, but was once again silenced.

"Shut up." To Cerberus, Donald added, "Nothing really, just to pass through, good Sir...um, Berus. I am a Knight of the Round Table."

Cerberus's ears perked up. "You are a Knight of the Round Table?"

"Y...yes?" Donald squeaked, praying that it was the correct answer.

The three heads looked at one another, and then began conversing in a series of growls, whimpers, and barks. Here follows a transcription: (Bold is Head One, italics are Head Two, and underline is Head Three.)

**Well, for crying out loud.**

_In that case, we'll have to kill him._

**Shall I?**

Oh, I don't think so.

**I'm not sure.**

What do I think?

_I think kill him._

Oh! Let's be nice to him.

_Oh! Shut up!_

Donald, mystified, tried to edge his way in. "Umm, excuse me?" he asked, but the heads were engaged in their own personal feud, and couldn't be bothered with the likes of him.

What did you tell me?

_You're such a pain, always yapping on all the time, like a silly French poodle. You're a disgrace to our terrifying infernal name._

Well, I didn't ask for an editorial, Mister Beggin' Strips Breath. You know, it's not real bacon.

_You liar!_

**Hate to tell you, Two, but Three is right. It's fakey synthetic preservative crap.**

_What do I have to live for now? Jerk. Maybe I'll go back to drinking out of the toilet again._

**You said you quit for good!**

Typical, can't put his tail where his mouth is.

_Well, you'd know all about that, Mister Personal Hygiene. I've lost track of the times I've woken up with your head in our butt._

**Boys, boys! Don't we have a duck to eat?**

_Oh, right, yeah, I'm starved!_

But Sir Donald and his minstrels, mysteriously, were nowhere to be found.

XxXxX

"Brave Uncle Donald ran away!" sang his nephews with glee. Donald tried to shut them up. "I didn't!"

"Bravely ran away, away..."

"No, no, no!"

The boys launched into a seemingly pre-rehearsed song:

_When danger reared its ugly heads_

_He boldly turned his tail and fled_

_Yes, brave Sir Donald turned about_

_And gallantly he chickened out_

_Bravely taking to his feet_

_He beat a very brave retreat_

_Bravest of the brave, Uncle Donald_

_Petrified of being dead_

_Soiled his pants, then brave Sir Donald_

_Turned away and fled..._

"I DIDN'T!" wailed Donald as they disappeared into the distance. "I don't even _have_ pants!"

A/N: Not one of my better chapters, I admit, but this is really hard to adapt while maintaining the funny. Tell me how I did! You all are going to love the next chapter. It's my favorite.

_Next Chapter: _The Tale of Sir Riku. I'll leave you to guess.


	8. The Tale of Sir Riku

**Kingdom Hearts: The Quest for the Holy Grail**

King Mickey is on a quest—to find the Holy Grail! Also featuring Riku, Sora, Donald, Goofy, the Riku Replica, and Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Fanfiction. Spoof of all things Monty Python.

A/N: Sorry for the long delay! That was all my fault, and I admit it. To make up for it, this chapter is twice as long as it was going to be. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or Monty Python. I've tried to keep relevant dialogue as intact as possible while not fully forfeiting creativity (not to mention not looking like I'm plagiarizing), and let me tell you, it's tough. Cut me a break here.

**Chapter 7: The Tale of Sir Riku**

Ah...to be in the woods. Dappled green-gold light spilled between the trees. Flowers of all colors, sizes, and scents dotted the path. Cute little woodland creatures frolicked about. Birds twittered in the trees.

Riku and Travis would not stop arguing.

"I don't see why **_I _**have to be the pack-mule," Travis whined, shifting his weight under the heavy bundle of supplies. "This is totally discrimination against clones, you bloody racist."

"First off," Riku snapped, "I don't care _whose_ clone you are, okay? _My_ problem with you was the fact that _you_ kept trying to kill _me_, take _my_ place, and convince _my_ friends that I still had darkness issues."

"Still do," Travis muttered under his breath.

"**Second** off," Riku continued, ignoring Travis, "_we_ flipped a coin. _You_ lost. _You_ get to be the pack-mule."

"But my armor is _heavy_," Travis pouted.

"Then don't wear it," Riku ordered.

"Are you kidding?" Travis yelped. "Do you know how long it took me to find a shade of green that matches my eyes?"

"Oh, I'm sure I couldn't _possibly_ know, seeing as we have the same eyes," Riku pointed out. "Whose idea was it for us to be together in a group, anyway?"

"Sora's," Travis said simply.

And now it's time for something completely different.

XxXxX

Demyx gazed broodingly out of a window in his family's castle. _This will be the last time I gaze broodingly out of this window as a free man_, he thought broodingly. _Brood, brood, brood..._

"One day, lad..." Demyx's father, Saïx, gazed out of the window also, although only as broodingly as he usually seemed. Saïx wasn't one for displays of emotion. "One day, all this will be yours..."

Demyx cocked his head to the side. "What—the curtains?"

"No," Saïx said, a faint flicker of annoyance crossing his face. "Not the curtains lad, all this..." He spread his arms out to encompass the hills and swampy fields of their land. "All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys...as far as the eye can see and beyond...that'll be your kingdom, lad. And one day, Kingdom..." Saïx looked almost wistful. Almost. "Hearts..."

"But, Father," Demyx whined. "I don't really _want_ any of that."

Saïx scowled for a moment. "Listen, lad," he threatened tonelessly (the only hint that he _was_, in fact, threatening his son came from the rapid way he drummed his fingers on the hilt of his Claymore). "I built this kingdom up from _nothing_. All I had when I started was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp..." Saïx began pacing around the room like a tiger prowling its cage, "...but I built it all the same, just to show them. It sank into the swamp. So I built another one...that sank into the swamp. I built _another_ one. That one burned down, fell over and then sank into the swamp. So I built _another_..."

Saïx paused for dramatic effect. Demyx jerked awake from a light doze he fallen into from Saïx's monotonous droning. "_That_ one stayed up. That's what you're going to get, lad: the most powerful kingdom on the island, and soon...**Kingdom Hearts**."

Demyx looked very put upon. "But I don't want any of that—I'd rather..." He trailed off as Saïx's cold gaze locked onto him.

"Rather _what_?" he growled.

Demyx gulped, but persisted. "I'd rather...just...sing." His sitar materialized in his hand, and he was ready to strike a power chord until Saïx's Claymore materialized strategically over his head.

"You are **not** going into a song while I'm here," Saïx stated flatly.

Demyx gulped again. Saïx took a deep breath, and continued, "Listen, lad, in twenty minutes you're going to be married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain..."

"I don't want land," Demyx interrupted, moodily picking at his sitar strings.

Saïx's golden eyes narrowed. "Listen, Demyx, we built this castle on a bloody _swamp_—we need all the land we can _get_."

Demyx sighed. "I don't _like_ her. She's **mean**."

"Don't like her? What's wrong with her?" Saïx demanded coldly. "She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge...um, tracts of land..."

"I know..." Demyx's random sitar string-plucking became less random, as he began a musical intro. "I want the girl that I marry to have a certain..._special_..._something_..." As he took a deep breath to launch into a song, Saïx whipped his sitar out of his hands and threw it into the wall, where it splashed into a thousand individual water droplets.

"CUT IT OUT," he ordered.

"Yes, father," Demyx said meekly.

Saïx finished, "You're marrying Princess Larxene, so you better get used to the idea. GUARDS!"

A pair of Saïx's Berserker Nobodies lumbered into the room. One of them had the hiccups. Saïx ordered, "Make sure the prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him."

The nonhiccupping Berserker rumbled, "Not...to leave the room...even if you come and get him."

"No," Saïx corrected patiently, "until I come and get him."

"Until you come and get him," the Berserker corrected itself, "we're not to enter the room."

"_No..._" Saïx tried phrasing the sentence differently. "You stay in the room, and make sure he doesn't leave."

"...and you'll come and get him," the Berserker finished, while his compatriot continued to hiccup silently.

Saïx sighed with relief (or a reasonable facsimile thereof). "That's right," he said.

"We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room," Berserker One concluded triumphantly.

Saïx, whose patience had been worn down to a frazzle, whipped out his Claymore, let loose a bloodcurdling yell, and went berserk all over Berserker One. Demyx and the still-hiccupping Berserker Two winced as Berserker One was smashed into a pulp. Saïx turned around, gold eyes livid with bloodlust, and snarled, "**_ARE WE CLEAR?_**"

Berserker Two hiccupped once in fright. "**Good**," Saïx snapped. He stalked out of the room.

Demyx sighed dramatically, glanced at the door furtively, and then began strumming his sitar. He began to hum a tune—

—and narrowly missed being decapitated as Saïx's Claymore lodged itself in the far wall. "**_AND NO SINGING!_**" Saïx bellowed, and slammed the door behind him again.

XxXxX

Out of the blue, Travis asked, "Have you ever worn your hair short?"

Riku blinked. "I...don't think so, not recently, anyway," he said. "Why do you ask?"

"Well...I'm thinking about cutting mine," Travis explained. "You know, for a different look."

"...That's good, I guess." Riku shrugged. "One tip, though: Avoid mullets. I had one in the eighth grade. It looked awful."

Travis whipped a Sharpie out of his pocket and scrawled a message on his hand. "No...mullet...got it."

They were silent for a minute. "Did we just...**agree** on something?" Riku asked incredulously.

"Hard to believe," Travis agreed. "Maybe it's the full moon, or something."

Riku shrugged. There was a bit of an awkward silence. "You know..." he began, "you're not really such a bad guy when you're not working with a secret Organization to bring about my downfall."

Travis blinked. "Uhh...thanks," he said, and then begrudgingly added, "...And you aren't so bad yourself, you know, when you're not trying to kill me to protect your identity."

There was another silence. Suddenly, Riku amended his earlier statement, "But you're still a pain-in-the-ass copycat moron."

"And you're still an arrogant, pissy jerkface," Travis added.

Riku smiled wryly. "Glad to know where we stand."

Travis flipped him off in a friendly sort of way.

XxXxX

Demyx stared at Berserker Number Two. He still seemed to be hiccupping. Very cautiously, Demyx pulled out a scrap of notepaper and a pen. He scrawled a quick help message, and tied the paper to an arrow.

Demyx glanced around the room. No longbows. Time to improvise. He took his sitar, stood by the window, and fired the arrow with the "D" string. The sitar made a musical twang as the arrow sailed high over the forest...

XxXxX

...and lodged itself in Travis' chest, punching right through his pale green armor.

Travis blinked in what seemed to be mild surprise. Riku blinked in sheer stunned astonishment. Travis pulled the paper from the arrow, leaving the arrow, scanned the letter, then handed it to Riku. "It's for you," he said. Riku took the paper, and Travis pitched forward and collapsed to the ground.

"**_Travis!_**" Riku shouted. He threw the paper aside and kneeled next to Travis' prone body. "N-no..." he whispered. "You can't die... You _can't_... If anyone's going to kill you, it's going to be **me**..."

He could have angsted for a bit longer, but he remembered the discarded letter. He grabbed it and unrolled it—

"2 who-ever finds this note—i m imprisonned in Swammp Kastle OMG. meh dad wishes me 2 mary agenst my will. Plz plz plz come and resceu me. i m in teh Tall Tower :P."

After a suitably dramatic pause, Riku clenched his fist, crumpling the note. His sky-blue/sea-green/storm-cloud-white/cyan eyes burned like fire with darkness and rage. "So...your death...was for _this_..." he hissed, seething. "This ridiculous letter, borne by a messenger of slaughter, is the cause of your undoing..."

"Um, I'm not quite dead," Travis spoke up faintly from somewhere close to the ground. "Though I appreciate the dramatic angst—makes me feel loved..."

Riku behaved as if he had heard nothing. Which he probably had, come to think of it. "I _swear_, Travis, I will _avenge_ your needless death. By any strength left in me, I will hunt down the ones who did this to you..."

"No, seriously, I think I can pull through, just give me a little bit..."

"Their blood shall stain the earth as recompense for the blood they have spilt this day..."

"...You know what, go right ahead and ignore the clone, you stupid bastard."

Riku straightened up, eyes flashing, to deliver his final message. He pulled an Organization raincoat seemingly from _nowhere_ and threw it on, and tied a blindfold around his eyes. "VENGEANCE, THY NAME IS PWNAGE!!!" he declared, and dashed off, Way to the Dawn in hand, to deliver some ass-whooping.

Silence once more reigned in the forest. Travis looked around, still on the ground with an arrow protruding from his chest. He pulled it out, grimacing with the pain, and tossed it to the side. There was no one around.

Nothing.

Just complete and utter silence.

Finally, a sound: "He's fallen off the wagon, hasn't he?" Travis muttered in disgust.

XxXxX

At Swamp Castle, the festivities were going marvelously. The lute players were playing, the bards were singing, the dancers were dancing, and even the two door-guards were bedecked in lovely flowers.

They had no idea of the terror that was about to befall them.

The two guards looked up, alerted to the presence of danger by the ominous background music. All they saw was a streak of silver-tailed black, like a comet. It blew past them straight through the door, and was gone for more than a second before Door Guard One (Greg) looked down to see that he had been stabbed through the heart. He collapsed without a word.

Door Guard Two (Keith) looked down at his fallen comrade, then after the black figure.

"...Hey!" he faintly objected.

XxXxX

Riku had become a whirling dervish of destruction, and not simply because the phrase "whirling dervish" is so amazingly cool. He was like a black funnel cloud on the horizon—a tornado of blood and sharp pointy objects, comparable to the Tasmanian Devil of Looney Tunes fame. Anyone that got in his path got stabbed, slashed, cut, decapitated, de-limbed, disemboweled, or otherwise mutilated—some all of them at once. The luckiest got away with nothing but a really close haircut.

He barely even knew what he was doing; he was just in a mindless, crazy, rampaging frenzy. Mostly, he just ended up killing the Nobody servants that were too dumb to run away screaming. One unfortunate cook was slashed five times across the chest before he had even begun to bleed. The father of the bride, Luxord, attempted to put a halt to Riku's killing spree. "Look!" he begged, fanning out a pack of playing cards. "Pick a card—any card!"

Riku picked one. "Oh, look," he said, smirking mercilessly, "it's the king of clubs."

"You aren't supposed to—" Luxord began, but Riku slammed him across the left temple with his Keyblade. "I think I am," he snapped.

Eventually, Riku found the stairs, and charged up them, shrieking a war cry. "_For Travis!!!_" After he was gone, the survivors all stared at each other with the same expression:

_**HUH?**_

XxXxX

Berserker Number Two (who, unlike Greg and Keith, did not have an actual name) was attempting to hiccup his ABCs, when Riku burst into the door with a wild battle-cry. There was a short, embarrassed pause. "Hey, my hiccups are—" Berserker Number Two began excitedly, but never finished his sentence. Riku lopped his head off first.

Demyx looked up from his brooding. "Yay!" he shouted, clapping excitedly. "Someone has come to rescue me!"

Demyx's nasally voice cut through the haze of darkness and anger that had been clouding Riku's brain since several scenes ago. "Wha...what?' he muttered, putting a blood-stained hand to his aching head and pulling off his blindfold. "I don't...remember... Was I drunk?"

"I watched it all from the courtyard window!" Demyx gleefully raved, pointing to a window across the room. "You were a whirling dervish of destruction—and _not_ just because the phrase 'whirling dervish' is awesome! It was _great_!"

"Oh, _no_..." Riku moaned, covering his face with his hands (and getting slowly congealing blood on it, too—gross). "Oh, no, oh shit... Sora is going to **kill** me... And I was on the **_sixth step_**, too..."

Demyx was ignoring him. "And now we can escape together—but first..." He looked around guiltily, then brought out his sitar. "I think I'll play something to commemorate the occasion." He touched a string—

Saïx burst into the room—breaking a chunk of door plus the knob off in his hand as he did so—snarling, "Stop the music! I _said_ **NO SINGING**!"

"But..." Demyx protested.

"Saïx, by that time, had lost interest in his son; he was prowling in Riku's general direction, like a panther. "Who are you?" he demanded, back to his silky smooth monotone.

"I—I'm...Riku—_Sir_ Riku, um...sir, um, Saïx! um...sir," Riku stammered.

"He came to _rescue_ me!" Demyx announced joyfully.

"Well..." Riku amended, rubbing the back of his neck, "Let's not jump to conclusions..."

Saïx's golden eyes narrowed. "Did you kill all those guards?" he inquired, as if it were merely a passing nuisance that the courtyard was soaked in blood.

Riku hung his head. "Yes...I'm very sorry... It was just a... See, I've got this problem..."

"_I'm_ going to give you a _problem_, '_sir'_," Saïx snarled, "those guards cost fifty pounds each! And that one was my last Berserker! I'll have to switch over to Dusks until we can make up the difference!"

"I'm really very sorry, I can explain—"

"Oh, don't let him scare you," Demyx scornfully jerked his head towards Saïx. "I've got our escape all worked out!" He cheerfully tossed a bedsheet rope out the window and began to climb his way out. "Come on!"

"You killed _three_ wedding guests, _two and a half dozen_ servants, plus the father of the bride," Saïx growled. "You even kicked the bride in the chest. Do you know how much this is going to _cost_ me?"

Riku hastily stammered, I can explain—see, I was in the forest, riding north from Disney Castle, when I got this note—well, it ended up in my clone's ribs, actually, and—"

"Disney Castle? Did you say you were from Disney Castle?" Saïx demanded suddenly, though Riku couldn't tell if it was from anger, bewilderment, or excitement, or possibly none of the above.

"Hurry!" Demyx's voice came from out of shot.

"I am, yes. I am a Knight of King Mickey," Riku added, praying it was the answer that didn't deliver instant death.

"Hmm..." Saïx pondered, "very nice castle, Disney, good chocobo country..."

"Oh, is it?' Riku asked politely, inwardly sighing with relief.

"I...Am...READY!" Demyx shrilly shouted from beneath the window. Saïx put a companionable arm around Riku's shoulders, steering him towards the door; with the other arm, he pulled a dagger and sliced cleanly through the rope. A faint "_NO WAAAYYY!!!_" could be heard, followed by a muffled _THUD_.

"Do you want to come have a drink?" Saïx inquired politely, as if nothing out of the ordinary had occurred.

"Oh," Riku said, feeling very confused. "That—that would be nice..."

XxXxX

They were on their way down the steps to the courtyard, Riku sheepishly explaining, "Well, I've been at Darkaholics Anonymous for about six or seven months now, but I guess I fell off the wagon again, so now I've just got to..."

"There he is!" someone shouted from within the courtyard. "Get him!" An angry mob had assembled in the quarter of an hour since Riku's massacre, complete with torches, pitchforks, and a boom box blasting various vengeful songs.

Saïx opened his mouth to defuse the situation, but Riku beat him to it. "Ki-yi-yi-yi-yi-yiiiiii!!!" he shrieked, leaping down and slashing his way through several—

A bucket of cold and wet water was dumped over Riku's head, snapping him back to his senses. Saïx still gave the bucket a few loud clangs, just to make sure Riku got the message. "Nobody goes berserk in _my_ courtyard besides _me_," he growled.

"...Sorry..." Riku's voice came faintly—the bucket added a nice echo effect.

"He just killed the best man!"

"He's killed the bride's father!"

"He killed my auntie!" wailed a small child.

Saïx threw his Claymore into the middle of the courtyard, where it stuck up straight, quivering. "Shut up," he snapped. "Let us not forget that this is a joyous occasion. We'll not bicker and argue over who killed whom. We are here to celebrate the union of two young people in holy matrimony." Here Saïx gave a semi-loving look to Larxene; she would have returned it were she not fuming at her total lack of dialogue.

"Unfortunately," Saïx continued, "...one of them, my son Demyx, recently fell to his death." Larxene privately pumped a triumphant fist. "However, I don't want to think that I've lost a son, so much as...gained a daughter. For since the tragic death of her father..."

A shout came from the back, "He's not quite dead!" Murmurs erupted around the courtyard.

Saïx amended, "Since the...fatal wounding of her father..."

Another shout: "I think he's getting better!"

Saïx discreetly nodded to Keith across the yard. "For..." he stalled, his eyes following the sole remaining guard, "Since her own father, who...when he seemed about to recover...suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him..."

One final shout: "Oh, he's died!"

Saïx turned back to the crowd, smiling a toothy predator's grin that didn't quite reach his heartless eyes, and concluded, "I want his only daughter, from now on, to think of me as her old dad...in a very real and legally binding sense." Scattered applause. "And I'm sure that the merger—err, the union," he suddenly added, "between the Princess and the brave but dangerous Sir Riku of Disney Castle..."

Riku pulled the bucket off his head, spat out a mouthful of water, and objected loudly, "**_WHAT???_**" Everyone gasped.

"The dead Prince!" someone screamed, pointing. Everyone turned to see—

"Well, he isn't _quite_ dead yet..." Travis shrugged smugly. He was holding Demyx in his arms. Demyx looked ecstatic. "I feel much better now!" he joyfully declared.

"You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!" Saïx yelled. He hadn't had this much excitement in a long time—heck, this was the longest he'd ever spent out of monotone!

"I was saved at the last minute!" Demyx announced, gazing adoringly at Travis. Travis, in response, dropped him to the ground. "Oomph!"

"You're in big trouble," Travis flatly told Riku. Riku half-smiled sheepishly.

Saïx growled to his son, "**_How?_**"

"Well," Demyx said, popping to his feet and dusting himself off, "I'll tell you!" He grabbed his sitar, and began a lengthy musical intro. The crowd burst into a seemingly pre-choreographed, Broadway-esque dance and song combo. "He's going to tell _(he's going to tell)_, He's going to tell _(he's going to tell)_..." they began.

"WHAT DID I SAY?" Saïx bellowed. "NO SINGING!" But this time, he was helpless to halt the dance number.

Meanwhile, Travis had located Riku and was dragging him out. "Move it," he snapped. "This isn't good for my image," Riku complained. "I need to escape more..._dramatically_."

Travis stopped dead. "Fine!" he said, throwing his hands in the air. "Go ahead! I'm moving on, just catch up!"

"...Fine!" Riku shouted.

_Five minutes later..._

"Uh, can someone give me a push...?" Riku asked, dangling from the castle wall rather pathetically.

A/N: Originally, this chapter was going to be in two parts, divided at the line, "They had no idea of the terror that was about to befall them." But then, I decided not to, because you guys waited so patiently. Hope you liked! And Chapter Eight is almost done, so you won't be waiting long on that. Reviews, please!


	9. The Knights Who Say Ni

**Kingdom Hearts: The Quest for the Holy Grail**

King Mickey is on a quest—to find the Holy Grail! Also featuring Riku, Sora, Donald, Goofy, the Riku Replica, and Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Fanfiction. Spoof of all things Monty Python.

A/N: It's short, but sweet. Enjoy Auron and the Organization!

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or Monty Python. I've tried to keep relevant dialogue as intact as possible while not fully forfeiting creativity (not to mention not looking like I'm plagiarizing), and let me tell you, it's tough. Cut me a break here.

**Chapter 8: The Knights Who Say Ni**

"And this 'Enchanter' of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail?" Mickey pressed. He, Pluto, and Sir Goofy were all huddled together in a shambly old hut. Seated across from them on the other side of a crackling fire was the stooped figure of the old soothsayer that Axel had alluded to, though honestly he actually didn't seem that old. His left arm was in a sling, leaving the left sleeve of his long red coat dangling open rather spookily. His eyes were covered by sunglasses, but a long scar ran down his right cheek, making his mouth look as if it were constantly sneering in derision. The fact that he actually _was_ sneering at them in derision didn't help.

The soothsayer chuckled forbiddingly.

"Where does he live?" King Mickey encouraged. "Old man...where does he live?"

"He knows of a cave," the soothsayer laughed. "A cave which no man has entered..."

King Mickey gulped. "And...the Grail...the Grail is _there_?"

The soothsayer chortled ominously. "There is much danger...for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril...which no man has ever crossed..."

"But the Grail," Mickey impatiently interjected, "where is the _Grail_?"

The soothsayer smiled mockingly. "Seek you the Bridge of Death..."

"...The Bridge of Death, which _leads_ to the Grail?" the tiny king asked hopefully. The soothsayer threw his head back and, cackling sinisterly, disappeared in a shower of red and black sparklies.

Mickey, Goofy, and Pluto looked about themselves and squealed in abject fear—for the hut had disappeared, and the fire had gone out. The three of them were all alone in a dark wood.

"Stay calm, my home dogs," Mickey ordered, trying to lighten the mood.

"Please don't do that, your Majesty," Goofy requested. "That kinda slang language is real hurtful to us of the canine persuasion." Pluto nodded solemnly.

Mickey, chastised, opened his mouth to apologize—and screamed. "AAHH!!!" he shrieked, pointing behind Goofy's head.

Goofy turned to find himself face to face with Xemnas, a.k.a. Number One of the Organization a.k.a. the Superior a.k.a. the Enigmatic Man a.k.a. Xehanort's Nobody a.k.a. you get the idea. The only member of the former Organization with more aliases was Roxas (a.k.a. Number Thirteen, a.k.a. The Key of Destiny, a.k.a. Duel-Wielding Unknown, a.k.a. Glowing-Eyed Unknown, a.k.a. BHK, a.k.a. Sora's Nobody...).

"AAAAHHH!!!" they all screamed, hugging each other in fear. Xemnas merely smirked beneath his hood. From the forest around them emerged five other figures, all cloaked in the dark robe and hood that was the hallmark of the former Organization XIII.

"Ni!" he spoke, in a voice that was at once both emotionless and melodramatic.

"Who..." King Mickey's little mouse knees were knocking. "Who are you?" he asked, though he feared that he already knew the answer.

"We are..." Xemnas proclaimed, "...The Knights Who Say..._Ni!_"

"No!" Goofy shouted in terror. "Not the Knights Who Say Ni!" Pluto whimpered.

"The very same," Xemnas confirmed.

King Mickey whispered to Goofy, "Who were they?"

"The Order of the Knights Who Say Ni was entrusted with the keeping of the Sacred Words," explained another hooded figure (likely Vexen), "before we killed them and took their place as the Knights Who Say...Ni!" They seemed to be taking every opportunity to say their full title.

"Gasp!" our trio shouted.

"Indeed," Xemnas purred. "Now we are the Keepers of the Sacred Words... Ni! ...Peng! ...and Nee-wum!"

"Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale," the shortest figure (Zexion) added.

"And we demand...a _sacrifice_," another figure growled. It sounded like Xaldin.

Mickey gulped. While he was a fierce Keyblade wielder and sovereign of many worlds, it did not escape him that they were outnumbered two to one by very, very, kick-ass Nobodies. He was not above a little groveling when it was needed. "O Most Fearsome Knights of Ni," he began, "we are but simple travelers who seek the Enchanter who lives beyond this wood—"

"NI!" Xemnas thundered. The mouse and two dogs cowered. Xemnas' cry was echoed by the other figures. "Ni! "Ni!" Peng!" "Ni!"

"Ah! No more! Ah! Aahh!" our trio moaned, holding their heads.

Xemnas drew himself upright. "We shall say 'Ni!' to you again," he announced, "if you do not appease us."

"All right," Mickey conceded, "all right. What is it that you want from us?"

"We want..." Xemans trailed off for dramatic effect. **"...A SHRUBBERY!"**

"EEEK!" Goofy shrieked.

"AROOO!" Pluto howled in fright.

"...A what?" Mickey wasn't sure he heard correctly. This was a mistake, as several minutes of ferocious "NI!"s had him covering his ears, shouting, "All right! We will get you your shrubbery!"

"One that looks nice," a fifth figure (Lexaeus) rumbled.

"And not too expensive, dude, you know what I'm saying?" Xigbar added. Mickey, Goofy, and Pluto nodded several times in fright.

"Good," purred Xemnas. "Now, GO!"

He had barely put the exclamation point at the end of his sentence before the three of them were gone.

A/N: Short, I know, but hey. Review, and maybe they'll get longer!


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